jusquademain:

PRE-HALLOWEEN DOBBY TEST RUN

Amor fati—love of fate.

When you complain and rail against circumstances, you fall out of balance with the natural state of things; you wish things were different. What you must do instead is accept the fact that all events happen for a reason, and that it is within your capacity to see this reason is positive.

Here is the FIRST incident.

I’ve been seeing Ricky about a month now and as you already know, he likes to pick up girls. He’s very one dimensional and he enjoys it that way. He swears he didn’t use his pick up methods on me, and so I tell him it would be interesting to see him at work. Friday night he comes to pick me up from work, and there’s another girl in his car. Her name is Karis and she and Ricky met at a rave. It’s his brilliant idea that he thinks it would be fun if it were a joint effort for us to pick her up and all that nonsense. Okay. I’m livid. That wasn’t the plan, and I find out he’s been with her all afternoon planning this scheme. My jealous bitch o meter is running on high and I’m being incredibly rude and snarky bent on sabotage. Well, I’m befriending Karis while poking mean comments at Ricky and he’s hell set on making this work. He’s trying to get us all tickets to the Bassnectar concert but it’s sold out and every attempt he makes at trying to buy tickets I fuck up. He eventually sells the one ticket he has and calls people to try and find out other things going on. We end up going to this underground thing and it’s going immensely well because Karis pays for me to get in and she’s hanging out with me and so on and so forth. Ricky is bouncing back and forth between us, holding both our hands and shit, and I’m not having it. He keeps apologizing and whatnot but yeah, obviously I’m not okay with it, but he’s been fucking leading Karis on all night, made out with her and whatnot, so I’m been INCREDIBLY considerate of her feelings and letting them hang out. I’m starting to cool down when we realize we’re at this underground thing too early AND it’s gay night. I roll in the bathroom to calm myself a little bit. I figure it’ll help me get through the night. So we bounce and go downtown to this place called the Vanguard because Ricky’s photog friend Watchara tells us we can get in free if we say we’re there for DJ Eden. As we walk there Ricky is holding Karis’s hand, grabbing her ass and shit like that. Okay, I didn’t calm down at all. In fact, I’m fucking rolling and a hellcat, so I continue to be a bitch. Luckily the bodyguard is from Ohio and we’re hitting it off. We go inside and I flirt with the girlwhose running the donation booth to get in. She has half her head shaved and I’m feeling it and being just my kick ass self. Poor Karis is trying to join in the conversations, but I’m just blowing her out of the water. There are a ton of people here, it’s an eclectic crowd, you’ve got your ravers, your hipsters, your korean breakdancers. Whatever. I grab Karis’s hand and we go inside to dance. Okay, she’s really good. She’s actually good. She’s hot. But I’m not going to let her outshine me. There are like a whole bunch of older korean people inside and it’s weird and SO interesting at the same time. I’m dancing with Karis and showing her a good time, we’re grinding. Whatever. Ricky is staying out with Watchara and he knows he’s fucked up. He texts me saying he’s sorry. Well, I’m having fun now. I let karis and Ricky dance since she’s shy, and well, let’s be honest. I’m fucking bomb by myself. I can take care of myself and have fun. So, I sit out for a tick and a group of Indian guys come and get me. There’s like 8 MOTHERING WOULD YOU LIKE A SLUSHIE INDIAN GUYS dancing around me. Omg it’s glorious. okay well, only two of them are fobs, the others are like preppy guidos. I dk. I really don’t care either. So once I’m down with them a group of four goth guys come to dance with me. I leave them for this older korean guy in his 70’s disco pants. Omg, everyone around us is getting really into it and it’s funny. Then there’s this Korean breakdancer guy who actually leaves his girlfriend and his friends to come dance with me. People just won’t let me sit down, I’m getting grabbed and carried and Ricky and Karis are just watching in awe. Well, then I realize they aren’t there anymore. I TURN ON my stealth ninja mode and go outside back to dj Eden. Of course there they are kind of making out and I’m just standing behind them. It’s like Ricky is trying to balance me but knows he can hurt me by being with Karis too. When they realize I’m there both of them kind of freak and whatnot. Karis wants to come back with me but I start talking to a girl and we are getting into a conversation. I sadly, really likeKaris and don’t want to hurt her. She says she’s going to get water and she’ll be back. Ricky takes the time to talk to me in front of Watchara, which I really appreciate. He says that this is awkward and not what he intended. And I feel bad. I felt like I’ve gone to far with getting peoples numbers and showing him that I can fucking pick up anyone I want too, but I really just want him. Well, we sit down and now it gets better. I told them I was dancing with a like a tranny inside for a few seconds. Well, shim (it?) is laying on one of the benches. Ricky and Karis tell me it’s really a very attractive female, I’m like..nuhuh. But shim spots me and makes a b-line for me. Yeah, it’s a guy turned woman. But we all still find her attractive. She’s got like shaved blonde hair, intense make up, devil horns attached to ? (her) head and just a vest and hot pants on. She is hard core macking on me and lol, that’s a whole nother story in itself. But I was proud I was comfortable with it and what not. Then I get hit on by this guy and Ricky seems really pissed off. He is being a douche actually, but the guy is being totally cool with it and blowing it off. Karis even admits she finds the guy, his name is Brandon attractive. Now, Ricky wants to leave and I get talking to the bouncer again and get his number. Then I say goodbye to Brandon and Ricky actually gets so mad he comes in and carries me away from him. Now, Ricky keeps looking back at me in the car, like staring at me. Trying to convince me he’s really sorry. But I’m still sour. 

and its not even the end. basically he made out with another girl on the couch said all this lovey dovey shit to her while he thought I was in the bedroom

We all occasionally manipulate and deceive. That is human nature and there is no shame in it. Do not take it personally.

Don’t pay attention to people’s good or bad intentions. They don’t matter. Everyone is playing to win, and some people will use moral justifications to advance their side. 

People who cling to their delusions find it difficult, if not impossible, to learn anything worth learning; a people under the necessity of creating themselves must examine everything.

In nooks all over the world sit men who are waiting scarcely knowing in what way they are waiting, much less that they are waiting in vain. Occasionally the call that awakens—that accident which gives the “permission” to act—comes to late, when the best youth and strength for action has already been used up by sitting still; and many have found to their horror when they “leaped up” that limbs had gone to sleep and their spirit has become too heavy. “It’s too late,” they said to themselves, having lost their faith and henceforth forever useless.

I am like the summer. Barely appreciated when I was around, but the second I left, all they did was miss me.

I am not hopeless, I am hopeful.

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(Source: suffering--silently, via jejunejezebel)